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User talk:Yoshimi Melody Song
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Don't Delete Me page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. You can also read some of the best stories our wiki has to offer by checking out Suggested Reading. Finally, you can check out stories written by authors of the wiki in User Stories. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 00:23, November 11, 2018 (UTC) Additionally the story itself feels unfinished/incomplete which is against our site rules. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:30, November 11, 2018 (UTC) Re: Story Other than being incomplete, I noticed quite a few mechanical and possible plot issues. I would strongly suggest using the writer's workshop with the finished version as there are probably going to be quite a lot of things to touch up on. Punctuation/spacing: Starting with the basics, you should include spaces after comma use. "The characters,the", "gameplay,everything.", "No,Why?", etc. This is done to make text easier to read, as well as being proper spacing. Punctuation cont.: You should also use punctuation when introducing dialogue and concluding dialogue. "That didn't throw me off guard, but my mii had said(:)", "Please don't delete me(.)" While you can argue that the latter is due to it being typed out by the mii, it seems a bit odd they'd have issues there, but not earlier on ("What happens to us if the game is deleted?") and later in the story ("I hope we can meet again…"). Story issues: "I entered the apartment and tapped the bubble with the squiggle." I would focus on making these lines more descriptive as not everyone who reads the story is going to be familiar with the game and while you don't have to explain every single mechanic, giving readers a general sense might help build immersion. Story issues cont.: Additionally the plot feels a bit rushed. "nothing. My 3DS disappeared for a few months, probably due to us moving. After my mom found it and charged it up, I decided I wanted to play Tomodachi Life." These lines really don't enhance the story any and could be used a bit more effectively to convey the mii's world and the impact the absence had on them (like similar stories). Story issues cont.: A few lines feel at odds with each other. "I put it down and grabbed my phone. Now I type this, hoping I warn the other gamers:" and "I will see if anything else happens. Is this a normal thing for miis to say?" in particular as the former implies the protagonist knows something is off and the latter seems to conflict with that thought. Conclusion: Finally, I am noticing some similarities to Jessica and Pokemon Dead Channel that could result in a lot of comparisons unless you treat the topic a bit differently (more finesse in some cases) than the other stories with similar themes. I hope this was helpful and you make use of the writer's workshop for the completed story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:17, November 11, 2018 (UTC)